When you become a foster parent, you invite a child into your life. You build a real bond and you treat them like your own. It gives you the chance to give them all the love and attention they need. You get to make a real difference in a child’s life, provide them with a secure and nurturing home and be a part of their developmental growth. Unfortunately, there can be times when a foster parent has to say goodbye to a foster child. In our 3 and half years of fostering, we have had to say “goodbye” multiple times. It’s one of the hardest situations for both the foster parent and the child. It can be heartbreaking for all involved, including friends, grandparents, and extended family that have all formed a bond with these children.

If you’re a foster parent in a situation where you have to say goodbye to a foster child, it’s important to understand the reasons why you may have to do so and the impact it can have on you and the child.

Reasons Why You May Have to Say Goodbye to a Foster Child

• You may have to say goodbye because of reunification. In most cases, this is the goal to foster care. If this is your reason, congratulations! You did a great job! And so did the Bio parents! If this is not your reason, then you need to know that you did not fail. There are too many factors at play. Foster care does not operate in the black and white, it operates in the grey and reunification is not always what is best.

• The child may need to be placed in a different foster home to better meet their needs. For example, displaced or to be with siblings. We have had children move out of our house for this reason and we also have added children to our house for this reason.

• The foster child may be placed in a residential facility or group home. Group homes have a bad reputation, but sometimes they can be the solution. A personal example, we had a teen boy move to a group home and it was the best outcome for him. He is able to see family more often and is thriving.

• The foster child may be sent to a different state or country for placement. Children can be moved from your house for reasons that you can’t control. For example, the government finds suitable kinship* family for the child elsewhere.

• The foster parent may need to take a break from fostering. This reason needs to be normalized. Sometimes taking a break means becoming a better parent for future placements, for current family, or maybe just for yourself.

The Impact on You and the Child

Saying goodbye to a foster child can be difficult and emotionally draining for both you and the child.

For the foster parent, it can be heartbreaking to have to say goodbye to a child you have grown to love and care for. It can be hard to let go. Saying goodbye after all the time and effort you have put into providing a safe and nurturing home for the child.

For the child, it can be a difficult and a confusing time. It can be hard for them to understand why they have to leave. They may feel scared and lonely at the prospect of leaving the home. They may feel scared to leave the people they have grown to love and trust. Reassure them that this move is in their best interest. Let the child/children know that the time spent in your home is not the only relationship you intend to have with them.

Tips if You’re a Foster Parent Going Through This

• Plan ahead. If you know that you’re going to have to say goodbye to a foster child, it’s important to plan ahead and make the process as smooth as possible. Talk to the child and explain why they have to leave and answer any questions they may have.

• Stay in touch. If possible, try to stay in touch with the child after they leave. You can stay in touch by sending letters, emails, or even phone calls. This can help the child feel connected to you and reassure them that they’ll always have someone to turn to. Even if you take on a new placement, try to remain available to the ones you previously had in your home as well.

• Take time to grieve. Saying goodbye to a foster child can be an emotional experience. It is so important to take the time to grieve and process your emotions. Grieving is so important. You don’t want to take the hurt of your foster children leaving into your next placement. Talk to a friend or family member about your experience, or even join a support group for foster parents.

• Place your focus on yourself. It’s important to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Make sure you get plenty of rest, eat well, and take time to do something you enjoy.

Cherish Every Day

My last bit of advice would be to try to turn the hurt you feel into something beautiful. For instance, let it be a teaching moment on how short life can be and how short of time we get with these children and how we cannot take this time for granted.

For me and my wife, this one hit close to home. We will never forget the children that came through our house. Some of these tips are here because we did not do them. For example, we did not take time to grieve. We are in a situation where we are not able to contact previous foster children. For respect of the adopted family. Our hope is that you can learn from our mistakes and that this article helps you and your family in this very tough time. Keep your chin up. If you made it this far you are going to make it, and just know you made a huge impact on the child that you’re having to say Goodbye to.

If you are looking to further your fostering research, and want to learn more about Fostering Teenagers Click Here.

*Kinship families – when a friend or family member become an official foster carer for the child. I.e., Teacher, aunt/uncle, family friend.